


The Torture Of Small Talk (With Someone You Used To Love)

by SeahorseTrash



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Based on a Fall Out Boy Song, Canon Related, Fireworks, Fourth of July, Heartbreak, Homesickness, M/M, POV Alternating, POV Second Person, Past Relationship(s), Post-Break Up, Repressed Memories, Sadstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-04
Updated: 2016-07-04
Packaged: 2018-07-22 06:17:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7423345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeahorseTrash/pseuds/SeahorseTrash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was the Fourth of July. Jake and Dirk were but fireworks that went off too soon.</p>
<p>Jake wishes he'd known how much Dirk loved him. He wishes he cared enough to know.</p>
<p>Dirk is wondering if Jake misses him in the June gloom too.</p>
<p>Roxy has to deal with their angsty bullshit.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>I'm bad at summaries, but I promise the references aren't as heavy as that. I just looked to the song for inspiration when I wanted to write some angst over Fourth of July weekend.</p>
<p>Bring tissues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Torture Of Small Talk (With Someone You Used To Love)

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, yeah, I know I technically didn't post this on the fourth but it took longer to write than I had expected and FORMATTING WAS SUCH A PAIN I SWEAR OMFG

Your name is JAKE ENGLISH, and you are currently sprawled out on top of a hill, begging your body for sleep. The days are long, but nights are torturous. You can't seem to find rest.

You lie there in the grass, the blades tickling your legs. You’ve always found comfort in nature, as you grew up surrounded by towering trees that seemed to have no end and luscious rainforests soaked in morning dew. You loved lying in fields of wildflowers, watching strange little creature fly by over your head. You could explore the jungle for hours, days even. You always found it fascinating how rays of sunshine still found their way through the thick canopies of the trees.

Here, there are no fields of pumpkins or beautiful sunrises over the ocean, only undead monsters and barren mounds, with ancient stone ruins and tombs scattered about. It is an empty wasteland divided by treacherous canyons filled with clouds of purple gas that you have deemed dangerous, as your head spins if you happen to stumble upon it. The place is dreary and dark, and you often find yourself lost in its vast lands, wandering as if you have become undead yourself.

You gave up on exploring after about a year. This new world that seemed so interesting simply lost its charm. You now spend too much wandering about with thoughts racing through your head, occasionally paying a visit your old room for nostalgia's sake. The warmth of your own bed has since faded, but it's far more comfortable than sleeping in some dark cave, your only company a small fire.

The only beautiful thing about this place is the starry sky, splintered with cracks filled with colors and mayhem. You’ve always loved watching the vibrant flashes of light peek through the rifts in space. It reminds you of the sunbeams back home.

It reminds you of fireworks. An old memory surfaces.

_It was the Fourth of July, a holiday you never celebrated until now. You and Dirk were lying in the grass, watching the stars twinkle in the night sky._

_“Stay here,” he said, hopping up and running off to god knows where. He returned with a bundle of cardboard tubes and a lighter. “The sky is pretty and all, but what's the Fourth of July without a few redneck fireworks?”_

_“Are those safe?” you asked, worried someone could get hurt._

_“Probably,” he said, though it wasn't very reassuring. He set one down on a patch of dirt and readied the fuse. “You might want to stand back though. I don't know how wide the blast radius is on this thing.”_

_“Please be careful,” you told him, backing up from where he placed the rockets. You weren't so sure if this was a good idea. If something went wrong, you could possibly have your boyfriend burnt to a crisp._

_“Relax, Jake,” he said. “I know what I'm doing.” He had the fireworks in a line, lines running between them. He reached into his pocket for a lighter and summoned a small flame, sending sparks flying from the fuse._

_“We have ten seconds,” he warned you, grabbing your hand to run further up the hill._

_He held an arm in front of you as a flare shot straight into the air before exploding in a brilliant shower of vermillion, gold, and acid green. The bright colors shone in the otherwise black sky. The faint smell of smoke and gunpowder reminded you of the bonfires back at home._

_“That worked out better than expected,” Dirk noted. “Let's just hope the next one doesn't kill us. It's a bit more...experimental than the others, but it's pretty cool—oh, there it goes.”_

_Your eyes widened as a shower of glittering sparks rained down from the sky, breaking off into separate fireworks as they made their descent. Scarlet reds, shimmering yellows, emerald greens, and icy blues formed a rainbow of embers spreading over what felt like miles._

_“It's beautiful,” you said, looking over at Dirk. “Dirk, this is amazing!”_

_“it took a few weeks to get it right,” he said. “It really wasn't that difficult to find the materials and all, but actually putting it together was quite a task. They turned out great though. I was worried the—”_

_“Dirk, for once, I would appreciate a little less conversation,” you interrupted, draping your arms over his shoulders. He seemed to catch on, turning to face you. “This is nice and all, but I know you wouldn't just decide to do something like this on a whim. I know what you're really after.”_

_“I'm sure you have no shame in giving it to me,” Dirk said, cupping your face._

_Next thing you knew, your lips were on his. You could feel the smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth. He grabbed you around the waist, pulling you in closer. His hands traveled up and down your spine with grace and familiarity. You melted into his arms as your body found solid ground. He lay you down in the grass, hovering over you._

_“Comfortable?” He asked, and you nodded. “Good, because we’re gonna be here for a while.” He removed his shades and set them aside, gazing into your eyes before he brought his lips to yours once more._

_You flinched at every new firework and relaxed as it fizzled out, soon growing accustomed to the rhythm. The explosions of colour set the scene beautifully._

_His movements were slow, almost hesitant. He supported your head with one hand, the other gliding down your side and resting on your hip. You combed your fingers through his hair, wrapping an arm around his back._

_He pulled away in time for you to catch a display vibrant green and orange falling into the shape of a heart. The sparks fell and you were left with wisps of smoke in the air._

You used to think this slump was nothing but homesickness, but now you realize that it's much more.

You don't just miss home. You miss _him_. With him, you were at home. He could make a cold and damp cave feel like a warm bed, cuddled up in cozy blankets.

You don't know how it all fell apart—only that it was likely your fault. Sure, he was clingy and overbearing, but _you_ were the one that ran away. _You_ were the one that couldn't handle it. _You_ were the one that didn't have the heart to tell him.

Now you're sulking over the fact that _he_ broke up with _you_. He must've seen you were tired of being with him. He must've noticed that you were drifting away, and just cut the rope to save his breath. There were no kisses goodbye or heartfelt embraces.

He just let go and walked away. He didn't even turn to see if you had followed him. You wonder if he would've wanted you to. If you had grabbed him by the wrist and begged him to stay, would he listen? Would he take you back after how you treated him?

You wonder where he is now, what he's doing. You want to talk to him, but you feel like he wouldn't want to see you after everything that happened. Maybe it's just your nerves telling you this, but you don't think it would be a joyful reunion.

You've considered consulting Jane for advice, but you soon remembered that your relationship with her was not what it once was either. She probably hated you as well.

Perhaps Roxy could help you.

**> >Jake: pester Roxy**

GT [golgothasTerror] began pestering TG [tipsyGnostalgic]

GT: hello

GT: would you by chance be free for a little talk?

TG: jake it's like two in the morning pls go to sleep

GT: I'm afraid that's not an option at the moment

TG: why

TG: what’s got u all triggered??

GT: I was just thinking about how all those cracks in our universe look a little like fireworks

TG: omg they do wow

TG: are you jelly that you'll never be as beautifuk

TG: *beautiful

GT: while that is true there's something else bothering me

GT: an old memory

GT: I can't seem to get over it

TG: it's dirk isn't it

TG: shit

TG: hold up I got another pity party to attend

TG: just dump your feels here

TG: *arnold voice* I'll be back

TG [tipsyGnostalgic] ceased pestering GT [golgothasTerror]

**> >Be Roxy**

You are now Roxy. You don't really know what's going on with Jake and Dirk this evening, but for some odd reason, they've both reached out to you.

Jake is apparently reminiscing about the good old days and Dirk...well, Dirk is just a mess. He's been messaging you all night, and it seems as though there will be no end to his ranting. You're not even really sure what he’s going on about. You've kind of been skimming up until this point.

**> >Roxy: tend to the needy prince**

TG: okay I'm back

TG: p sure you need counseling dirko

TG: that shit was hella depressing to read

TT: I just feel like I could've done something to avoid such a terrible outcome

TT: maybe if I wasn't so demanding

TT: I think he was just overwhelmed, you know?

TG: ummm

TG: I guess??

TG: maybe he just wasn't ready to be in a relationship

TT: I probably wasn't either, but I was hell bent on getting it anyway

TT: I literally forced him to make out with my decapitated head

TT: it doesn't get any crazier than that

TG: but didn't he like

TG: make a HUGE deal out of it

TG: made sure he got the perfect angle in front of an erupting volcano n shit to fulfill his adventurer fantasies

TT: he's always been a little overzealous

TT: okay that's an understatement

TT: everything he does is insanely over-the-top and it's kind of annoying

TT: hell even when we kissed it had to be over boiling lava or in front of a shit ton of fireworks

TT: can't forget when he was bouncing off the walls babbling on about group marriage and sugar-high orgies

TG: oh god don't mention that pls

TG: can we PLEASE never talk about that again

TT: yeah I probably shouldn't have brought it up like that

TT: I'm just kind of spewing right now aren't I

TG: it's fine I just sorta want to forget that all of that was ever a thing

TT: I don't blame you

TT: it was a pretty shitty experience considering it was the last thing we did before trudging over to meet our deaths on some slabs

TT: I never got to talk to him after that

TT: I didn't even get to really say goodbye

TG: you can still talk to him if you want to

TT: I doubt he's up this late

TG: au contraire mom ami

TG: *mon not mom lmao

TG: I've got this douche on standby and he's lamenting so hard right now

TT: really?

TG: he's apparently triggered by fireworks but idk

TG: said they brought back some old memory or smth

TG: do you have any idea what it could be?

TT: fuck

TT: are you serious?

TG: yup

TG: I just left him to dump his feelings out in a pesterlog

TG: I should probably check on him??

TG: I'll keep you posted tho

TT: I don't want to eavesdrop

TT: just tell me if there's anything I need to do or say

TT: or if an apology is in order

TG: k I'll let you know

TG [tipsyGnostalgic] ceased pestering TT [timeausTestified]

You hope you can get this sorted out before the sun rises, but things aren't looking too good on Jake’s end. So far he’s just given you his entire life story and poured out his heart and soul onto the keyboard. You've neglected from reading it

**> >Roxy: read Jake’s angsty monologue, or at least most of it**

You skim until you find something that seems important, that “ _old memory_ ” he mentioned.

GT: we watched the fireworks from a reasonable distance

GT: of course it lead to something else but they were supposed to be the main event of the evening

GT: they were so beautiful but I had this one question running through my mind

GT: why would he do something like that for me? Why would he go through all that effort for just one night?

GT: he sure got what he wanted but not after slaving away to woo me

GT: I felt like I couldn't appreciate it enough. I mean it was such a romantic gesture but I felt like I didn't see the full meaning behind it if there was any

GT: when I kissed him it just felt like I was taking advantage of the situation

GT: I'm sure he had planned for it to happen but I felt bad for just ignoring the beauty he had created while we snogged in the grass

GT: if I had known what I was in for down the road I would've slowed down a bit but of course I never look before I leap

TG: wait did you just roast yourself

TG: wow this is a new low for you

GT: I'm sorry I'm getting all emotional

GT: it's just that there's always the possibility that we could die soon and I don't think I'm prepared

GT: it's not even physical death that scares me

GT: I feel like there's so many unresolved conflicts in my life I can't just leave them hanging

GT: I at least want to finish what I started

GT: what WE started

GT: I want everyone to be best friends again so we can all be happy

TG: Jake I know this is all kinds of serious for you but honestly you're going a little crazy

TG: I mean it's not the end of the world

TG: hehe puns

GT: I'm sorry

GT: I just...

GT: I miss him, you know?

TG: I'm sure he’d love to hear that

TG: no seriously go tell him

TG: grab it while it's still hot

TG: *hotter than usual

GT: I don't know if I can do this

GT: what if I just make it worse

TG: omfg Jake you're hopeless

TG: good luck

GT: Roxy wait

TG [tipsyGnostalgic] ceased pestering GT [golgothasTerror]

**> >Your duty is done. Be Jake**

You are once again the walking travesty known as JAKE ENGLISH. Apparently you're next in line to talk to Dirk, but you aren't so sure if you're up for the challenge. You haven't talked to him for months. Ever since that whole ordeal with the trickster shenanigans you’ve been actively avoiding any interaction with him.

You're pretty sure he’s doing the same.

You guess one of you will have to reach out at some point. You just wish it didn't have to be you. You really suck at this kind of thing. You’ll probably just end up starting every future pesterlog with an apology.

**> >Jake: man the fuck up and talk to Dirk already**

GT [golgothasTerror] began pestering TT [timeausTestified]

GT: Dirk, I know it's the middle of the night and you're probably sick of hearing from me, but I feel like we need to talk a few things out. We left on such an awkward note and I just think we could stand to clear a few things up

GT: oh gosh! I'm already rambling but I've been itching to get this off my chest for a while now and I’m not sure how much longer I can keep it under wraps without it tearing me limb from limb

GT: I've been thinking a lot lately

GT: about you

GT: about myself

GT: about us, really

GT: and to be quite honest, I miss chatting with you

GT: it was nice to have a bro I could count on

GT: I wish things hadn't gone so sour

GT: I ruined your one chance at a relationship because I wasn't ready

GT: I should've just told you that I needed some time to myself but I was afraid you'd take it the wrong way

GT: it was all my fault that we fell apart

GT: I guess the main reason I wanted to talk to you was...

GT: I want to apologize

GT: for everything

GT: I feel like I just ruined it for you

GT: I know your feelings ran deep and I just couldn't match that

GT: I wish I could make it up to you somehow but I'm pretty sure I would just make things worse

GT: I'm truly sorry for what I did

GT: how I treated you

GT: how I treated everyone to be completely honest with myself

GT: I should've just told the truth

GT: the truth being that I can't handle a relationship

GT: heck I can barely keep my friends

GT: maybe someday we’ll laugh about this but for now I just hope you'll forgive me

All that, and nothing from your almost lover. You throw your phone down on the grass next to you in frustration. There's no way he’s going to respond. It's the middle of the night and you're blowing up his phone. If anything, it'll make him hate you even more.

What were you even thinking?

**> >Enough angsty Jake. Let's see how Dirk is doing**

You now the root of all of Jake’s emotional issues and the reason he should probably get therapy. You didn't really ask for this, but you guess that’s what you get for trying to date him in the first place.

You don't know why you were so fixated on him. Perhaps it was because he was the only option, though you suppose there were always better things to obsess over. Material things that wouldn't grow tired of your company.

You've already exhausted your time by talking Roxy’s ear off, and it looks like fate has left you waiting for a dreadful conversation with Jake.

And here he was, apologizing for something that was never his fault.

You might as well answer him so he doesn't think you're ignoring him. You're assuming that Roxy told him you were awake, so he would know you saw his messages.

**> >Dirk: put him out of his misery**

You reluctantly pull up pesterchum. He can see you’re online. There's no turning back now.

GT: maybe someday we’ll laugh about this but for now I just hope you'll forgive me

TT: dude

TT: calm down

TT: it's fine

GT: really? I didn't think you would want to hear from me after all that mess

TT: did it ever cross your mind that maybe I was thinking that too?

GT: oh

GT: I guess I didn't

GT: sorry

TT: you can stop apologizing already. You weren't the one in the wrong in the first place anyway

GT: what do you mean?

TT: it was my fault that you felt so overwhelmed

TT: I didn't have the decency to just back off when I knew you were sick of me

TT: and you didn't have the heart to tell me you were sick of me

GT: Dirk you know I enjoy your company! It's just that I needed a break from it all

GT: everything was happening so fast I couldn't make sense of it

GT: for once in my life I wanted to think something through thoroughly and I needed time to do that

TT: I understand

TT: I've had quite a lot of time to dwell on this, so I can see how that could become an issue

TT: I'm pretty difficult to deal with

GT: I'd hate to say it but you really are a handful

GT: we had some great memories though

TT: that is true

GT: I hope we can still be chaps when this all blows over

GT: I missed having you as a friend

You won't admit it, but you missed him more than he'll ever know.

You and jake were just fireworks that went off too soon, but the future looks bright, and you're willing to wait. Maybe in a few years, if you were still hopelessly in love with that idiot, you two could give it another go.

TT: we’ll see, English

TT: it ain't written in stone just yet


End file.
